Why does deodorant have to be so corny?

I just ran out of deodorant the other day and buying a new stick is a bigger decision than you would think. They make these sticks so big that I think I only need a new one like every 10 months. With that said, it's a small purchase that you make every 10 months but it sticks with you, literally, everyday. Obviously branding is important here. But what about guys like me that are a little turned off by trying too hard to be masculine in everything I buy and do.

To be honest, it's hard. Deodorant packaging and branding is god-awful. It's all got to be uber-manly so much so that I'm hesitant to be seen in the checkout line with some of these brands. Cases in point

Speed stick used to be my go to brand. The regular scent. My dad wears it and I always used it until I noticed they put grips on the edges. Grips? Why do I need grips on my deodorant stick? My life is so action packed that I put my deodorant on under extreme duress? Using this helps me understand what guys must feel like when they wear mandals.

Seriously Old Spice? You used the word Swagger on this label? Way to ruin a perfectly good word for everyone. It was fun to say "swag" but now it feels cheap and bought. Then it's got to be from the Red Zone Collection. Deodorant collection? Even if you hadn't just ruined the word swagger, that's just dumb.

It's the Mountain Dew meets Newport Cigarettes meets some vague aspirational feat of masculine accomplishment meets my armpits. Everest Adrenaline Series. Cool story bro.

I'll have to reach out to the brothers on what they think about deodorant called Dark Temptation. This one's not going to work for me though.

Well it could obviously be worse. I do like the 48 hour protection touch. Like maybe I'm going to get laid on a weeknight and have to roll to office the next day without a fresh coat of deodorant. Glad Dove is behind me on this one but everyone is going to notice my wrinkled clothes and look of shame.